This is not gonna be like any other blog I posted, it's gonna be boring, personal, and with completely different style.
This year is officially not my year, it was awful since it started and it continued to be this way. I have lots of problems, and I got shocked by lots of people, specially close ones whom I trusted on my own life.
I got really good friends the past year and I was thrilled to have lots of activities that kept me busy. Yet those friends were the reason for me being seen as a "bitch" by most of my classmates, cause I spent lots of my time with "guys". I even got cruel and harsh emails, when I ran up for the elections for the CSE club at my college, using the "restaurants" I go to, as something against me, though till now I don't understand what's wrong with going to restaurants, plus we always had our laptops, and we always had something to work on.
On a personal level, I had couple of friends shocking the hell outta me with their attitude. Looking at the bright side, I now know my true friends, and the false ones around me. I have been of great support and I really believed in a friend that showed me a great respect and helped me through lots of stuff, then when there was a moment I needed someone they walked away, leaving me behind, without even asking about the simplest stuff, like what I did at college. Not only they walked away, but they seized every chance to humiliate, disrespect, and making me feel bad about myself. I was hurt, and when I get hurt I attack! So all I did is making stuff worse, by throwing hurtful harsh words, and I acted like a complete jerk, hoping this will push them into fixing stuff, or get them wake up and talk to me to tell me what went wrong, and why the hell they find me whenever they need me but the opposite didn't happen, and maybe telling me they were wrong or whatever.
Anyway I was sick of everything around me, I had enough of stupid and silly incidents that made me feel even worse. I had no idea why would someone want me to feel this way, why would someone hate me this much that they wanna ruin everything I'm working hard for, why would someone want to get me out of their lives for good, and why would someone forget all about the good stuff cause it's better and easier for them to run away and find new people to talk to and convince them they're good, rather than fix the problems they had, or be good to the old friends they have!
I made a stupid mistake that made my life a living hell, I felt so bad, and I blamed myself for everything, I stand infront of the mirror everyday trying to understand that girl I see in there, and trying to figure out when did everything go wrong! And how I became this weak! Then I had some people blaming themselves, for everything that happened, and I thought it's gonna get better, instead, who took the responsibility and showed support, chose to say they don't blame me but act like they do. Not only that but also telling the story of it to strangers they just met, tell them their own side of it, and omitting parts that will make them look bad. The best part is, this part of the story was omitted so "I won't be hurt"! I was humiliated, treated like someone from the streets who you don't want to deal with and you don't care what happens to, I was treated like a complete stranger and I was being used! I got people stepping on my hurt and jump up and down on it, stepping on my feelings, playing me for their own interests, using me for their own good, then leaving me when I needed them, yet the part that was missing from the story is the part that's gonna hurt! Seriously people manage to surprise me all the time!
Though all of this happened, I didn't wanna be a jerk, and I told them what they wanna hear, I apologized for every hurtful word I said, though I meant some of what I said but the way of saying them was stupid. I still have lots of stuff to say, but I don't think anyone would wanna listen to what I have. I don't think I'm welcomed anymore.
The worst part is, whenever I think about some conversation we had, every damn thing was a lie in that conversation, cause everything that was said, was only to make them feel better about themselves, they didn't care about how I feel, and they walked away after that. If they meant what they said then I wouldn't be treated this way. Now I have to live with it, I have to live with the fact that I hate myself for trusting people who doesn't deserve my trust, for believing people who did nothing but lie to me, for keeping people who used me close, for believing in people that seize the chance to make me feel awful about myself. Yet I'm trying to survive, and most importantly, I'm trying not to be a jerk like they were to me.
I can only imagine how certain people are thinking of me right now, how they will look at me, how they will treat me based on the cute little bed time stories about the evil me! I can only imagine how these stories are being told, how people will feel sorry for the one telling them and tell them how good they were and how bad people were to them. Omitting the right parts will help a lot of course.
On a business level, I have many problems, since we started Bazinga! we faced LOTS of problems, both on personal and on Bazinga! level. We were couple of best friends, but now we fight a lot, over EVERYTHING. We always have debates, we always have different opinions, specially me and MK. I wish we can agree on something for once! He said once that it's a good thing to have me contradicting them in some opinions, to explore different stuff. But when it actually happens, I mean me saying a different opinion, it gets ugly! We manage to yell at each other for quite long time! I understand it's really hard for all of us, and I excuse them and myself for the problems we have but sometimes I get really upset and when I'm upset I do and say stuff that I mean or I don't mean, same for MK. That's why working together has been a hassle sometimes. but when we work together as a team I really enjoy it, and I forget all about the bad stuff that happened or might happen.
I really love the spirit we started bazinga with. Yet these days I feel it's missing, some will say I'm wrong, some will hate me for writing this, some will say I shouldn't be saying those stuff in public, and some will diffidently love the fact that we're having problems.
The past time all I felt is, that MK is trying really hard to push me out of Bazinga! Specially that I gave him hard times in there, I can act stupid when I'm upset, and I can be a real pain in the eshy when I think there's something wrong. He manages to find something wrong with whatever I do, hardly admits he's wrong, yet he always manages to find the wrong stuff I do, sometimes he delivers it in a really bad way that makes me feel I don't wanna work in there anymore, and I lose the spirit and passion I was working with. I don't mind him telling me what I'm doing wrong, I'm still new to this, I don't have experience, I never had a real job, even my training wasn't in something I wanna do. So I really need help and I admit it, but I want to be told I'm wrong in a better way. Problem is, I really thought he believed in me and that I can add to Bazinga! I found out I'm completely wrong. Maybe he will say I'm wrong, maybe not, but I'm writing my personal opinion on what happened. Now with the personal problems I'm having, and the problems at Bazinga! that are countless. I was really thinking of quitting Bazinga, my dad even suggested me selling my share. Meaning leaving Bazinga for good!
I am still thinking about it, but the thing is, I don't wanna rush it, I wanna think about it really hard, I got sick of regretting stuff I do. I don't wanna regret this as well. Also I really really really LOVE Bazinga! It's like a child to me, I decided once to leave and take a break for couple of months, then I couldn't bare with this decision and I got back the second day. But my problems weren't half of what I'm facing now.
The past few days I was thinking about how hard I worked for this. How everyone is looking at me now. How my classmates despised me. How my uncles that loved me so much before, hated me after this, cause I'm supposed to finish school and get married, not get into the business world. How everyone looks at me whenever I go home late when we have an event or when we're working on some event, or even when we're in the mood to have fun! How everyone has his own story about me. How my father has to listen to people talking about me doing everything I want and that he shouldn't let me do that. How my family was so proud of me at the opening ceremony of Bazinga! How my family keeps asking me when I will get paid. How my family wants me to get married as I'm old enough now. How girls participated in Grendizer Intaleq cause they were motivated when they saw me as co-founder and thought it's possible for them as well to have their own startup. How I'm working with my own friends even though we fight a lot. How I really love what we're doing, and believing we'll be something big in the future. How I always wanted to work in Palestine for Palestine, and contribute to making it a better place.
Now I am preparing myself to go to Egypt as I got accepted for the Google Student Ambassador program, so I'll be getting a 5 days training that will not only get me the chance to work with Googlers, but will also make me more qualified for what I do in Bazinga! which is managing and planning events.
I am supposed to be super excited for it, I'm supposed to print a t-shirt with some evil ambassador design, as I was thrilled to be accepted, instead, I'm sick, hurt, depressed, and thinking of quitting what I love and worked hard for.
I hate the fact that the stuff that makes me jump up and down, out of happiness, is just another thing I have to do, I feel nothing about it now, I wanna go there and feel different, I wanna be myself, and enjoy it to the max. I wanna act crazy. I wanna laugh a real laugh not a fake one. Hopefully I'll be able to do that soon.
All I'm thinking about now, is to go to Egypt, try to forget about everything here, get the idea of quitting out of my mind, then go back and start posting albums of us working on Bazinga! painting, cleaning up, working on the opening ceremony, every damn thing we worked on as a team, with a team spirit, standing beside each other, helping and supporting each other, so we remind ourselves of what we had, and what we've been through, maybe this will motivate us to go back to what we were, a team.
This year is officially not my year, it was awful since it started and it continued to be this way. I have lots of problems, and I got shocked by lots of people, specially close ones whom I trusted on my own life.
I got really good friends the past year and I was thrilled to have lots of activities that kept me busy. Yet those friends were the reason for me being seen as a "bitch" by most of my classmates, cause I spent lots of my time with "guys". I even got cruel and harsh emails, when I ran up for the elections for the CSE club at my college, using the "restaurants" I go to, as something against me, though till now I don't understand what's wrong with going to restaurants, plus we always had our laptops, and we always had something to work on.
On a personal level, I had couple of friends shocking the hell outta me with their attitude. Looking at the bright side, I now know my true friends, and the false ones around me. I have been of great support and I really believed in a friend that showed me a great respect and helped me through lots of stuff, then when there was a moment I needed someone they walked away, leaving me behind, without even asking about the simplest stuff, like what I did at college. Not only they walked away, but they seized every chance to humiliate, disrespect, and making me feel bad about myself. I was hurt, and when I get hurt I attack! So all I did is making stuff worse, by throwing hurtful harsh words, and I acted like a complete jerk, hoping this will push them into fixing stuff, or get them wake up and talk to me to tell me what went wrong, and why the hell they find me whenever they need me but the opposite didn't happen, and maybe telling me they were wrong or whatever.
Anyway I was sick of everything around me, I had enough of stupid and silly incidents that made me feel even worse. I had no idea why would someone want me to feel this way, why would someone hate me this much that they wanna ruin everything I'm working hard for, why would someone want to get me out of their lives for good, and why would someone forget all about the good stuff cause it's better and easier for them to run away and find new people to talk to and convince them they're good, rather than fix the problems they had, or be good to the old friends they have!
I made a stupid mistake that made my life a living hell, I felt so bad, and I blamed myself for everything, I stand infront of the mirror everyday trying to understand that girl I see in there, and trying to figure out when did everything go wrong! And how I became this weak! Then I had some people blaming themselves, for everything that happened, and I thought it's gonna get better, instead, who took the responsibility and showed support, chose to say they don't blame me but act like they do. Not only that but also telling the story of it to strangers they just met, tell them their own side of it, and omitting parts that will make them look bad. The best part is, this part of the story was omitted so "I won't be hurt"! I was humiliated, treated like someone from the streets who you don't want to deal with and you don't care what happens to, I was treated like a complete stranger and I was being used! I got people stepping on my hurt and jump up and down on it, stepping on my feelings, playing me for their own interests, using me for their own good, then leaving me when I needed them, yet the part that was missing from the story is the part that's gonna hurt! Seriously people manage to surprise me all the time!
Though all of this happened, I didn't wanna be a jerk, and I told them what they wanna hear, I apologized for every hurtful word I said, though I meant some of what I said but the way of saying them was stupid. I still have lots of stuff to say, but I don't think anyone would wanna listen to what I have. I don't think I'm welcomed anymore.
The worst part is, whenever I think about some conversation we had, every damn thing was a lie in that conversation, cause everything that was said, was only to make them feel better about themselves, they didn't care about how I feel, and they walked away after that. If they meant what they said then I wouldn't be treated this way. Now I have to live with it, I have to live with the fact that I hate myself for trusting people who doesn't deserve my trust, for believing people who did nothing but lie to me, for keeping people who used me close, for believing in people that seize the chance to make me feel awful about myself. Yet I'm trying to survive, and most importantly, I'm trying not to be a jerk like they were to me.
I can only imagine how certain people are thinking of me right now, how they will look at me, how they will treat me based on the cute little bed time stories about the evil me! I can only imagine how these stories are being told, how people will feel sorry for the one telling them and tell them how good they were and how bad people were to them. Omitting the right parts will help a lot of course.
On a business level, I have many problems, since we started Bazinga! we faced LOTS of problems, both on personal and on Bazinga! level. We were couple of best friends, but now we fight a lot, over EVERYTHING. We always have debates, we always have different opinions, specially me and MK. I wish we can agree on something for once! He said once that it's a good thing to have me contradicting them in some opinions, to explore different stuff. But when it actually happens, I mean me saying a different opinion, it gets ugly! We manage to yell at each other for quite long time! I understand it's really hard for all of us, and I excuse them and myself for the problems we have but sometimes I get really upset and when I'm upset I do and say stuff that I mean or I don't mean, same for MK. That's why working together has been a hassle sometimes. but when we work together as a team I really enjoy it, and I forget all about the bad stuff that happened or might happen.
I really love the spirit we started bazinga with. Yet these days I feel it's missing, some will say I'm wrong, some will hate me for writing this, some will say I shouldn't be saying those stuff in public, and some will diffidently love the fact that we're having problems.
The past time all I felt is, that MK is trying really hard to push me out of Bazinga! Specially that I gave him hard times in there, I can act stupid when I'm upset, and I can be a real pain in the eshy when I think there's something wrong. He manages to find something wrong with whatever I do, hardly admits he's wrong, yet he always manages to find the wrong stuff I do, sometimes he delivers it in a really bad way that makes me feel I don't wanna work in there anymore, and I lose the spirit and passion I was working with. I don't mind him telling me what I'm doing wrong, I'm still new to this, I don't have experience, I never had a real job, even my training wasn't in something I wanna do. So I really need help and I admit it, but I want to be told I'm wrong in a better way. Problem is, I really thought he believed in me and that I can add to Bazinga! I found out I'm completely wrong. Maybe he will say I'm wrong, maybe not, but I'm writing my personal opinion on what happened. Now with the personal problems I'm having, and the problems at Bazinga! that are countless. I was really thinking of quitting Bazinga, my dad even suggested me selling my share. Meaning leaving Bazinga for good!
I am still thinking about it, but the thing is, I don't wanna rush it, I wanna think about it really hard, I got sick of regretting stuff I do. I don't wanna regret this as well. Also I really really really LOVE Bazinga! It's like a child to me, I decided once to leave and take a break for couple of months, then I couldn't bare with this decision and I got back the second day. But my problems weren't half of what I'm facing now.
The past few days I was thinking about how hard I worked for this. How everyone is looking at me now. How my classmates despised me. How my uncles that loved me so much before, hated me after this, cause I'm supposed to finish school and get married, not get into the business world. How everyone looks at me whenever I go home late when we have an event or when we're working on some event, or even when we're in the mood to have fun! How everyone has his own story about me. How my father has to listen to people talking about me doing everything I want and that he shouldn't let me do that. How my family was so proud of me at the opening ceremony of Bazinga! How my family keeps asking me when I will get paid. How my family wants me to get married as I'm old enough now. How girls participated in Grendizer Intaleq cause they were motivated when they saw me as co-founder and thought it's possible for them as well to have their own startup. How I'm working with my own friends even though we fight a lot. How I really love what we're doing, and believing we'll be something big in the future. How I always wanted to work in Palestine for Palestine, and contribute to making it a better place.
Now I am preparing myself to go to Egypt as I got accepted for the Google Student Ambassador program, so I'll be getting a 5 days training that will not only get me the chance to work with Googlers, but will also make me more qualified for what I do in Bazinga! which is managing and planning events.
I am supposed to be super excited for it, I'm supposed to print a t-shirt with some evil ambassador design, as I was thrilled to be accepted, instead, I'm sick, hurt, depressed, and thinking of quitting what I love and worked hard for.
I hate the fact that the stuff that makes me jump up and down, out of happiness, is just another thing I have to do, I feel nothing about it now, I wanna go there and feel different, I wanna be myself, and enjoy it to the max. I wanna act crazy. I wanna laugh a real laugh not a fake one. Hopefully I'll be able to do that soon.
All I'm thinking about now, is to go to Egypt, try to forget about everything here, get the idea of quitting out of my mind, then go back and start posting albums of us working on Bazinga! painting, cleaning up, working on the opening ceremony, every damn thing we worked on as a team, with a team spirit, standing beside each other, helping and supporting each other, so we remind ourselves of what we had, and what we've been through, maybe this will motivate us to go back to what we were, a team.
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